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em dawgg

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two truths and a lie [02 Sep 2009|12:41am]
[ mood | so low :/ ]

1. i miss you so much
2. i hate myself for everything that has happened
3. i am african american

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so, i admit [17 Aug 2009|01:55am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

i do enough damage to my own personal property alone but damn. some people have just no respect for other people's belongings.
for instance.
although i placed my ipod in the flooded cup holder, i did NOT leave a cup in that holder over night bitch. now my ipod won't charge! uuugh!
and i can't even start with everything the lil bro has ruined of mine, and just damn.
i know he can't help it. there is like a curse on my entire family.

i just hadda vent. because this ipod is the love of my life.
=/

< / 3

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confidence [16 Aug 2009|09:13pm]

is not always sexy, when you lay it on too thick.
you're taking it to an extreme here, buddy.
i'm not your baby, dont even call me babe. i don't like to be hit on. im not easy. i won't go for just ANYone. i have to be interested in someone and stimulated and smitten. and you don't do it for me
baby

ugh

some boys make me wanna barf.
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tonight [12 Aug 2009|03:51pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

i'm going to kick my ass and run 5 miles and throw up everything i have eaten today and feel good.

because you make me feel ugly.




i was a dreamer before you went and let me down.

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i don't care i don't care i don't care [09 Aug 2009|03:52am]
and that is a lie.



i tried to find a picture as beautiful as the sunset i dreamt about but i couldn't find anything. it made me feel really empty and like i wanted to cry. i want to have that dream again. i want to get out of this shit town.
i can only se out of one eye

that is all for now
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you can just call me [01 Aug 2009|12:23am]


ROXANNE

because i don't care if it's wrong, or if it's right








there is so much that i want to say, so calm down calm down breathe in breathe out.
hokay. so

this is a much needed entry. not saying that i have absolutely no one to talk to, but... anyway.


FIRST,
i really do not want or mean to sound like a bitch, but really.. if i wanna be bitchy, it's my god foresaken right.
so, yeah. I don't even know where to start, but this is gonna be one of those "starts as a list but just turns into blots and spots"

I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed to make new friends. Really, and honestly, school couldn't start fast enough. i mean, come one it's JCC. I don't expect to meet (i just typed meat lol but i changed it, obviously) the man of my dreams, or anyone spectacular, but it would be nice to branch out. At least meet a few people who like to party. Or have minds of their own. People [friends!] who will answer my calls or texts, at least, and care about being MY friend as much as I care about being THEIR friend. i just rolled my eyes!
 
DANG!

 
I really, also, cannot wait to get a new job. and make some friends there too. I mean i am TWENTY! really, i can't waste (i just typed waist! dang! lol) my time waiting for my friends to call me back. i wanna be called, and invited places.


and secondly, or third..
I love love love love love <3 <3 <3 kelly. i SERIOUSLY would be dead wiffout her! We have spent so much time together this summer. i love her. and if you think she is my best friend, then YOU ARE RIGHT. honey =P 


i was thinking about dating, not thinking about "going on dates" but how so very awkward it'll be, when it comes that time, for me. awkward moments are just an everyday thang. i don't know. maybe not. but i could just picture like, a nice young gentleman takes me out for a nice dinner and like a song comes on or something and i turn into "Dangerous Emily" and start like singing and stuff. idk. it makes me laugh out loud. so maybe the right man is someone who would burst into song right along with me! hahah


I'm one of those people, y'know, whose phillosophy is something like "bitch, if you ignore me when i'm trying to hang out, then next time i just 'won't hear MY phone ring' when you wanna hang out" in alllllllll seriousness, i mean that. like the most annoying thing is when you call up someone and ask if they wanna hang out, and theyare like "idk... no." and then the next day they call you after blowing you off for the dumbest thing and ask if you wanna do something. ok. i'm not good enough for you, boohoo.


man. i gotta calm down. i'm starting to sound ultra bitchy.
but i don't like being "on the back-burner"
i'm not saying everyone needs to feed me attention all the time, but damn. i always get second best. here, lately anyway.


i don't know what else to say.
it's summer
the weather is beautiful and hooooooooooott!
and i have a nice tan.

life is beautiful.

everyone has something to get off their chest every now and then.

i have a belly full of ribs and coconut ice cream and i feel like i'll pass out at any minute.
my back hurts =/
i'm listing, ahhhh


I'M TIRED OF THE SAME THING, SAME PEOPLE, SAME PLACES.

i am craving adventure and fresh faces and a definite change of pace. and hopefully i will pick up my feet soon. i mean, within DAYS. i am excited for my future.

i have my anchor up, and i'm not gonna just drop it on the first person i see. i wanna explore, and meet people and hang out and have some fuuun! i will not settle in shelbyville. i will not
settle anywhere. i have dreams about what i wanna do with my life, and that does NOT include wasting away in this bum-ass town feeding off people, bouncing from boy to boy, friend to friend, drug to drug. i wanna see the world. the only way to accomplish it is to get out, and start living and making money. NO ONE is going to hand you a round trip ticket to the Rest of the World and back. you have to work for it.
i just gotta tell myself that. 

i didn't get everything handed to me growing up. and i know how to be responsible and take care of myself i just need a push sometimes. i am thankful for that, y'know? The people who get everything they want, all the time, the people who rely on others to take care of them, they have no real drive. they say they want to do this want to do that. Bitch you gotta work for it.

you have to think more realistically.

damn, i sound like my momma. but i'm not trying to be yours.






p.s.

i said i wanted to be your friend, not your hoe.

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LIFE! [06 Jul 2009|12:49am]
[ mood | sreepy ]


is soooo much different for me. In a good way. I am learning that it is more than ok to be able to just chill at home by myself. I don't need a man in my life. Even though the way that the break-up went down hurt me a lot, it definitely has made me a stronger woman. And now I know that I can and should be independent and want to better my life, and eventually be with someone who wants the same for me. I won't let anyone hold me down anymore. I am learning that I should always do what is best for me, and the ones in my life who truly love me and care about me, will always support me. It is just that before Ben I  figured I would always be alone, and i have to remind myself to change my mind set and just be optimistic and remember that everything happens for a reason (cliche, I know) and eventually, everything I want will come to me, if I work hard. Which is what I am planning on doing. I am planning on succeeding and making something out of myself. So, when you're still sitting at your mom's house, bouncing from one friend to the other to get everything you need, I will be out making my own money with someone who actually cares about me and isn't just playing head games with me. I tried to hang on to him, and it was hard to think more about the bad times than the good ones, but there was a reason why we didn't work. and even if we had/did get back together it wouldn't last. And I know, but he was my first love. So, come on! gimme a little bit more time to heal. :)


Also, I have promised myself one thing:


I will never ever ever let a man control me/change me/decide for me. I will always stand up for myself. Not that my ex did ay of that, but it seems like lately, I have noticed more women are like that. I will always do what I want, if it is reasonable. And if i ever want to be with my girlfriends, then god dammit, I will be with them! I just wish more women could do that. If a man really truly loves you, he wants nothing more than for you to be HAPPY. and he won't do everything in his power to keep you at his side 24/7 and he will give you freedom and space when requested.

btw;
I'M 20! bahahaha and i feel good. still a little hurt but I can feel that I made the right choice and I will heal in time.



"i can be alone, yeah I can watch a sunset, on my own, i can be alone, yeah "

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a random thought, or two. [17 Jun 2009|07:55pm]
[ mood | better. ]

I really don't like getting small things stuck in between my toes when I walk around barefoot.


also





in 4 days, I will be 20.


=D
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that coming down feeling. [15 Jun 2009|04:47pm]
[ mood | distressed ]


I have so many thoughts swimming through my head that I am feeling dizzy. I wouldn't even know how to put these things into words. I ca't even catch my breath. I want to be happy, I am happy, then I am sad. I know that everything will work out, eventually. I want to be at the place where everything is ok, and I wanna get there fast, even though I know it takes time. I am stronger than I thought I was. I have been taking care of myself. Even when I would beg for him to take care of me, it never happened. And that is where I fooled myself. I thought that he held my heart but he never had it. I always had it in a death grip. I tried so hard to protect myself, and I am actually surprised that it worked.


i'm unsure that it did work.
yet.


I want something new. I want to be so far away from everything and everyone here, that i forget faces, names, places, pictures. I want to redecorate my life. I want to replace all of these memories with new ones. I want to paint over the images of this town and put a new one in it's place.



oh, and if you ever want to know who your true friends are, break up with your boyfriend.
and then, the one(s) who still talk to him and claim to "miss him"
yeah...
probably not the best.
bitch.



whatever.

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this would be the perfect night to have my own place. [11 Jun 2009|09:46pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

you know when you are in those really bad moods, and you don't want anyone to touch you or talk to you, and even if someone looks at you, you wanna beat the crap out of them?
that's what's up.
and this would be 1097823 times more bearable, if i lived alone, or even with a friend. not with 4 other people. FAMILY MEMBERS.
ugh. family, i love you but i can't wait until i get out of here.
and more importantly, i will be so unbelievably happy when 3 of you are gone. even if it is just for a week.
i'm not in these moods often and there is no reason for it. it is just one of those days i guess.
i hope that i am just sleepy, and this will all be over in the morning.
because 9 hours in a crowded car would make me want to stab my brain.

to the next person that asks me a question or barks out an order, you will die. not really.
but goddaaaaaaaaaaayum.

i just wanna have my own house. so bad. or apartment, even. bleh.
i have dreams about this shit!






on another note,
i cannot say for certain, but i think i am making a huge mistake by passing out a second chance.

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TEN DAYS! [11 Jun 2009|12:43am]
[ mood | CAN'TSLEEP! ]

and i will exit my life as a "teenager."



and coming soon-

- PARTY!
- vacation!
- and lots more parties!


<3
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fuck yeah [04 Jun 2009|01:53am]
[ mood | horny ]


parties
parties
parties
parties.



this summer is gonna be the shit.
that's a promise.

i really have nothing to say, other than i am happy. and very much looking forward to these up-coming months.
i realize there are other things i should be trying to focus on, seeing as how i will be 20



soon. omfg.




but for now, all i wanna do is have some fun. and enjoy my youth. and my tight ass and wrinkle-free skin.
sounds like a muhfuggin plan.

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about my two most recent posts [03 Jun 2009|06:08pm]
[ mood | hurt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ]


they pretty much cancel each other out.
and prove that i am nothing more than a coward. and need a lot of help before i can call myself strong.
for 2 years i have relied on some one else,



for everything


for making my decisions
for holding my hand through everything
i put my heart in the hands of someone who didn't want to treat it right.
i relied on someone who wanted me to be nothing more than a label.
"girlfriend"
i was a word to you and that's as far as i got.

nothing more than an object that you could toss around
you just wanted to pick me up when it was convenient and drop me all other times.
i thought you were different, better than them.
i thought you could be more to me than a pile of dog shit..
you don't realize how badly you hurt people, not only me, but your family.
you have crushed me.
you have made me feel weak and like a complete idiot.
you let your friends shit talk me when i did nothing.
so, i have been persistent.
excuse me, for wanting to have a relationship with MY boyfriend.
you called me names and put me down.
you put your hands on me, in ways that didn't prove that you loved me.
but i keep wanting to run back to you.
i have dreams that you're calling my name, and when i wake up with a racing heart you aren't there.
i have dreams that you love me and want to be with me and that you tell me you love me all the time.
i have dreams of your arms being wrapped around my body.
i wanted to mean something to you.
i wanted respect. i wanted you to prove me wrong about boys.
why can't i get away?
i did so much for you
i betrayed my family for you
i put all of my dreams in the back seat for YOU.
you,
who can't even hold a fast food job to help me.
when i supported you for how many months? SEVERAL
you make me feel like i mean nothing, like i am scum.
you tried to convinve me that i was crazy.
you hurt me.
I tried so hard not to cry over you
and i told myself over and over,
it's ok it's ok it's ok
it'll all be better now.
but i still can't breathe. my heart is still pounding out of my chest.
you changed, and you changed me.
sorry that i wasn't good enough for you and you  had to rely on other girls to give you attention.
i hope you realize i am the way i am now because of you and all the pain you caused me.



i never betrayed you







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for you, [03 Jun 2009|12:49pm]
i'd do anything, just to make you happy, hear you tell me that you're proud of me.
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WEAK [02 Jun 2009|06:28pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]


i miss being independent and strong.
i miss being happy and not having any drama in my life.
i miss being able to sit by my self, and being on my own and being okay with it.


i want to be strong again.



it's just a thought.

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20 [01 Jun 2009|06:12pm]
[ mood | can't wait ]

more days until i

am 20!


<3
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my life is finally catching up with me. [31 May 2009|03:19am]
[ mood | hopeful ]


no matter how hard i try to avoid it, my teenage years are running out. if you didn't know,


i will be twenty soon!!!! in 21 days.

that is crazy! what the fuck am i going to do with my life?
i have been thinking and dreaming. about what i will do now. what can i do?
your dreams will only take you as far as you're willing to work,
and i am the worst when it comes to waiting for things to jump up and smack me in the ass.
i want something better.

i want to be full of passion for something. something that will take me far in life.
i hope to figure this out. soon.


(i am currently obsessed with Kings of Leon and Minus the Bear)

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94 weeks [30 May 2009|02:32am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

since I have written anything in this journal.
that is a lot of catching up to do.

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ah man. [06 Aug 2007|12:36am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Today I slept. For the first time in a long time, I slept.
almost all day.
well.. until 1:30.
but it felt so damn good. I hate waking up early, i hate the kind of person I am early in the morning. I am bitchy and good for absolutely nothing.

Last night I made pizza and watched The Notebook, even though I fell asleep right after I ate around 3am and not even half way through the movie.
Today was the worst kind of day. hot humid and it rained for a little bit. The moisture was everywhere, all around. When I stepped out of my car, my glasses fogged up. I hate that, soooo much.
Spent almost the entire day with Ben, which made up for the disgusting wheather.


I feel like getting older is doing nothing for me.
My age increases, by my actions are still those of a silly young teenager.
I can feel and see all of my friends maturing and yet I am the same.
I want to always be the same, though.
but, when everyone else is talking about jobs and the stock market, will I still be talking about the new spongebob episodes? Or burping, and making immature jokes?
Well.. I hope so.
Because I think the stock market sucks.
My attempts to stay young are working now, but I don't know how much more time it will take until I give it up and just grow the fuck up.

this is all disconnected

I cry almost every other night about my life.
In a good way.
For the relationships I have,
my family
my friends
my Ben
my life.
It is not even close to perfection, but it is amazing.
I was growing up.. Merrideth and I would fight.
I hated her, not really. My momma always told me that one day I would appreciate her. She claimed it would happen when I was much older, but it is happening right now.
Same goes with the relationship between my mother and I.
We have good conversations now.
She is one of my best friends. I thought I would never say that.

But, I still can't help but regret almost the entire last four years of my life.
What I did, how i lied, all of the hurt and pain I caused my family and friends.
I hated how I would do anything to get my hands on a bottle of liquor. Just so I could end up alone.
It gave me a good excuse for my actions.
Talking about napkins,
throwing up all over someone's couch,
all over the floor,
pissing on myself,
crying in someone's bathroom.

I could just blame it on the drinks I had consumed and walk away.
That just makes me sick.

I want to be healthy
i don't want to smoke or drink or ever do drugs.
I want to drop some weight and run some.
I am going to get healthy
yeah

I'm tired.
I have to wake up at 6.
Five and a half hours isn't so bad.
shit.

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torn in half. [31 Jul 2007|12:14am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

When my life finally seemed to be moving forward perfectly.. BAM.
I hit a fucking speed bump.
I have been thinking all night.
I've been trying not to think,
but I can find nothing to do to distract myself.
I'm too lazy to clean my closet,
I'm too upset to talk to anyone,
I'm too dumb to finish reading my book.
So, I sit. And I think.
About tonight.
about this past summer.
about the past 4 years of my life.
about the past 18 years of my life.
What have I done?
I have come so far,
I was finally moving along at a steady pace.
Now I am thinking.
And I am slowing down.

I am stopping to think.

1/2
I am in love.
for once in my pathetic life, I have someone.
I have him.
I love him.
I feel complete.
I have everything I ever wanted.. everything I have ever needed..
I can lay in his arms all day if I want,
We laugh
we play
we talk
we fuck.
I am comfortable.
I found that connection I had been longing for
the one I thought I would never find.
The truth is, the reason I exist is for him.
and for no one else.

2/2
In another way,
I am alone.
I would kill for a best friend.
A girl I can laugh with for hours
we would go drink coffee
and walk around the mall
and do stupid shit
and be friends.
We would talk forever about everything and nothing.
I have had so many temporary fixes.
Now, I am ready for a friend.
I'm ready for friends.
85% of my friends are guys.
we do stupid shit
we laugh
we have good times.
But, I am a girl.
And I miss that special friendship.
that special feeling
so I make up for it with Ben.
but he needs time, too.

0/0
I can't stop my mind from wandering.
My heart from racing.
I am bouncing from thought to thought.
plan to plan.
I feel sick.
and I feel like complaining.
I came back to lj
becasue myspace just doesn't soothe my hunger, anymore.


The one person I rely on the most to comfort me,
isn't here now.
I don't know what to do.
I feel like my brain is pacing from left to right inside my skull.
I'm dizzy.
I'm fucked.

I BEEN LOVED ON: i cannot calm the fuck down
Iamlmao7: go beat a wall



I'm screwed.

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